02/03/17

It's my third day and it has been hard to stay away from certain foods that I absolutely love but so far I'm holding on strong. We've finished the avgolemono soup I made and it was delish but I sort of messed up on the last few minutes of cooking by letting it boil instead of slowly getting it real hot without boiling. When the water boils vigorously, the eggy soup tends to get overly cooked and coagulated instead of remaining a nice, consistent and creamy look. It's all good though because it tasted fantastic even if it looked not so appetizing.

I've stayed away from putting sugar in my coffee. I just iced my espresso with some almond milk and it was drinkable. I made my boyfriend Vietnamese iced coffee which was super hard to watch him drink because it's my favorite kind of iced coffee. I don't want to drink it though because it's loaded with sugar.

My boyfriend and I made roasted chicken breast with carrots, onions, yellow squash, and potatoes today. It was awesome. I had it with quinoa while he had it with rice. I chose not to eat the potatoes because it usually makes me feel extremely heavy after.

-Tuna & avocado & tomatoes mashed together. It was a quick snack for me before lunch. Pretty good stuff. I absolutely love canned tuna. I wonder how unhealthy it is for you. I opted for the "light" tuna in water and it was good as the ones in olive oil.

I'm proud of myself so far. I usually get very tempted when I see my boyfriend eat chips and pizza but this time around I've been good about not digging in with him. For dinner he had made pepporoni pizza with ham and meatballs and it looked amazing! I know for sure one day I will treat myself to such deliciousness again but for now I need to "feel" or at least see results first. The bff thinks it may take 2 weeks for me to see results. I think it may take up to a month but I know for sure I will see results within the next month or so if I keep it up. I like to think this is not a diet (because it is not) but rather a healthier lifestyle for me.

I eat whenever I want and whatever I want. I just omit junks that are obviously bad for me such processed food and sugary drinks which I indulge in almost daily a couple of days before. I'm sure there are tons and tons of people out there who already eat healthy naturally or even intrinsically hate the junks that I oh so love but for someone like me, this is a huge change and by far the hardest thing to do. My life pretty much revolves around food and eating. I haven't always been this way but it has been my mode of life for a very long time now. I've realized I've become obsessed with how much I love food and the way it made me feel around the age of 13. Before then, I ate whatever that was available and there was no such thing as cravings. I was a teeny tiny kid and then I had developed a serious eating disorder when I was 13. I would starve myself for days, sometimes only allowing myself to drink liquids. I was obsessed with thinspo and anorexic models. At the time, it seemed normal to me but now I think it was sick for such a young teenage child to be so focused on that. I no longer want to idolize that sort of body image (and I seriously don't). I don't want to look like a VS model because that is just not me. I want to be healthier, eat healthier, and perhaps get to fit in my size 23 jeans again! It has only been about 8 months since it has sat really tight on my waist so I'm very hopeful I won't have to buy new jeans. I mean, I refuse to buy new clothes just because I won't fit into my old ones. Plus, I spent way too much money.

What I would love most is, however, to feel comfortable in a bikini. As long as I can remember, I've never felt comfortable in a bikini. I would love to wear a bikini one day and just feel like okay.. this looks good and I'm not a fat whale. Or what I would also love is to feel confident in a cropped tank top and jeans.

02/01/17

Today is the commencement of my first ever food diary in over ten years. The last time I had one of these was back when I was in my early teens, around 13 years old or so. I'm 23 now so it is amazing how time passes. However, I used to do things in a very harmful way and restricted myself to 500 calories or so daily which is unfathomable to me now. I no longer want to count calories as strict as I did but rather focus on healthier eating. It's late in the evening now so I'm going to keep my post short as of today and will think of something more descriptive to say next time!

-Iced coffee with half and half, no sugar

-3 homemade meatballs by me. All natural ingredients. 

-Homemade avgolemono egg based soup, no rice. Mostly carrots, chicken, onions, and spinach. 

I didn't get to eat much today. We had a pretty late start on our day today. I didn't get home until 6pm in the evening so that was my first meal. 

For a while I feared I was losing it as my grasp on reality was a loosening bolt ready to go frenzied any moment in time. My heart felt crushed as I packed my bags going from a city, which I thought would be my playground, back to root one. Truth of the matter was I was deeply heart-broken and flourished within self disappointment as I pretended to be confident in my irrational decision to leave art school in the midst of progress. Really, I've only had one more semester to receive my diploma and one step from doors opening. I was always that kind of person--the person who never sucks it up and pull through or the one to live against the grain. Once I feel unsettled in one location, I must move on the next. I am always that girl. One day I packed my bags to move to NYC all alone with nothing but a couple hundred of bucks. In hindsight, I admire myself yet I am also afraid for myself. For the past couple of years, I've lived with some tinge of regret that I wasted a couple of years practicing a dance I could never master but as I look through these thin glass and ponder about the snow flakes, life is inevitable. It is inevitable for me to try things that won't suit my taste. Like they say, there are more than meets the eyes. I have been regretting that my eyes always want the finest and the wildest, but I am now more than content I've been to places and have done things I could've missed out if I was too scared to dip my toes in the water. Sure, it was cold, but it was refreshing.