Heart.

December 18, 2012

I cannot continue to presume on the belief that forever exists. People evolve, whether sprouting into kind, humble adult beings, but more likely than not, show their true colors, which lies underneath are jagged strokes of blood, covering their trash-like personalities. Their disdainful attitudes deserve my lack of pity and understanding. I almost feel guilty for ever believing I can maintain a trustful friendship with certain bodies. I almost feel like I've committed a crime of benevolence, if such thing exists, to a freakish audience whom did not understand the true meaning of brotherhood. Passionately did I try to have faith in the human kind, wholeheartedly did I try to be a good person.

Bless the souls who want to help others, and ultimately themselves, achieve a higher power of love and loyalty. Trust and honesty.

Fuck the grimey bitches.

December 26, 2011

Shit, what does a new year even mean anymore? Troubles from the year before always stick with you, just because you try to pretend it isn't there doesn't necessarily mean it's gone.

Around the same time last year, I was pretty happy. I had a boyfriend or whatever the fuck he was, and we spent a lot of times together, doing bad shit. Nothing vulgar and explicit, just bad shit like eating a whole shit load of food and driving around, being stupid. At the time, he seemed to be cool as shit, then we split due to multiple unfortunate incidents. Yeah, I don't miss him at all, but I do miss how happy and ignorant of reality I was. This year, I seem to try to not be stressed out, but that's failing miserably.

I don't know, it's not exactly like I'm sad or anything. I'm not even all that depressed. Everything just seems whatever.

I seem to think a lot, but I can't seem to give a fuck.

December 24, 2011

Greener Grass..

I remember this show "As Told by Ginger" and it was regularly aired on Nickelodeon. It's a random thought, but little memories as this one makes me feel nice.

I arrived in Chicago a little over five hours ago. It was the fastest 13-hour car trip of my life; probably because I drove all the way there and most likely, back.

I seem to be feeling a lot of things as always, but I don't really feel like expressing my emotional distraught-NESS today.

Even though I wasn't supposed to be snooping, this "journal" in this person's room was fucking interesting as fuck. One quote I read, "Being angry only hurts yourself. And the people who angered you don't care."

HYFR.

December 20, 2011

I remember when I was entering my teen years, I was going through some major internal issues. I don't know what was going on in my mind at that time, but I was severely depressed. Looking back, the "problems" that I seemed to face were so superficial and juvenile. Although I was childish to be so upset, and even committing a lot of regretful doings, somehow it molded me into the person I am today. I'm no adult, but I can surely say I've taken up a lot of responsibilities and I seemed to handle it pretty well.

Until yesterday. I started to feel like my 13-year-old self again. Nothing in my life seems to run smoothly. Today, I woke up three hours late for work. I drove thirty something miles just to apologize, since I no longer have a phone. I would never be the type of person to blow off work without an explanation, let alone without a notice. I don't really need this job, but when I bought my car, I promised myself I would never let another person pay for my own leisure. Thank god, they seemed to handle it well that I overslept and came to work three hours late. They had already called in another girl, so I left home. Yeah, I just did a sixty mile trip just to justify myself. I guess that was a grown up thing I've done. Although I just lost a whole ten hour shift including the money that comes along with it, knowing that I didn't fxck my boss and my coworkers over was consoling, I suppose.

So, yesterday an officer called me and told me that they just opened up an investigation regarding my car. They think that I've stolen the license plate or some shxt fucked like that. Really? Like you've got to be kidding me, right? RIGHT? I'm totally innocent, so I could care less whatever they fxcking do, but seriously, everything that I've got on my plates at the moment is more than enough, and this in conjunction with everything else is simply fxcking unnecessary and inconvenient.

And then there's my whole college application. I completed my application to FIT last week. Usually, I'm pretty extensive with my essays, or writing papers in general, but I think I've badly failed this college essay. Like, there is a 750-word limit, like, what the fuck? I know they don't want to hear useless ramblings of why I should be accepted and blah blah blah, but fxck, you think I can sum up how I feel and my experiences into a 750-word paper? OK, so I'm not really bothered by this. I guess I'm just on edge waiting for a reply. Even if they give me the "ok" or whatever, I still need to turn in a portfolio, which then will determine whether I'm "Accepted" or not. Fxck christ, I'm looking at my application status, and my transcript supposedly hasn't reached them yet. And fxck sake, the deadline is January 1st. If things do not go smoothly because my transcript doesn't reach there by the deadline, I may just effin' melt.

In addition to all the shxt that has been going on, I can't seem to figure out my relationship with some people. I know this should be the last on my mind, but like a friend of mine has told me, "I can't help how I feel." And fxck no, at the moment, I can't seem to put the lid on it. I want to stay on good terms with some people, but for fxck in god's reason, we end up in some blasphemy shit. It has taken a toll on me. Too many sleepless night has fxcked me over. I'm only 18, but I swear I'm aging way too quickly; I can definitely see it in my face.

So for my first quarter semester, I did so poorly. I think I got like a C-average or whatever, so for this second semester, I'm trying to ace it in order to average at least a B. I was never a bad student, ever, but I've strayed so far outside of my comfort zone that I'm starting to really worry. For these couple of days, I've buckled myself down. Because of my worries over all these bullshit, school has been the only way for me to not think and worry. Sigh, so I guess some things are okay after all.

What sucks most is I'm blowing off steam on my effin' blog. I do have a friend who I know can solely understand me and would give great advice, but she has problems of her own and I really don't want to be a burden. I used to have another friend who does nothing but listen to me. It's kind of funny actually. But he's long gone, and I miss him so fxcking much. Days where I can't seem to hold myself up another, I just think about how much help he would be to me. I miss this mother fucker so badly, and waiting for his call is next to impossible. I've been such a bad friend to him, fuck.

December 1, 2011

"Good Morning"

Love one of those days where you wake up feeling so damn good and happy. It's an easy doing of one human being. The smell of your T-shirt will just stay with me for the day (:

November 30, 2011

A Post About a Friend

You don't know what you have until it's gone. I've been missing you for what seems like forever now. I haven't seen you for almost two years, which is 730 days, which is 17,520 hours, which has led me to live the most disappointing life thus far. In 24 hours of a day for the past 6 years, I'd be complaining to you, laughing to you, laughing at you, and/or laughing with you, but for the past 17,000+ hours plus, I've been laughing without you, crying when I think of you, and live recklessly because you're not here. You were the only person who knew how insane I was, yet you still loved me. You have never once told me to shut up when I was always whining about the littlest things. Everything in my mind now is "you, you you." I don't want to ramble anymore, but there is one thing I will say...will things be the same in a couple of years?